Dear Alice,

I have got a problem with my mother-in-law ...

Dear A G,

Fine, fine, I get the picture. So sorry to hear (Keithie baby, please fill in polite rubbish here ...)
My advice is to get divorced and get a new mother-in-law.
Fair enough?
Goodo.
Yrs etc.
Alice

Dear Alice,

My tamagotchi is no longer ...

Dear anon,

I am not interested in TAMAGOTCHIs!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they were all at the BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they had NEVER BEEN INVENTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cordially,
Alice

Dear Alice,

Is something wrong?
You seem a bit on the testy side, just recently.

Yours bestest friend,
Hel

Dear Hel,

Is something wrong?
Is something wrong?
Is something WRONG?

Aside from not being able to MOVE for DECORATORS and ELECTRICIANS messing up my house and my life, and being too busy to breathe for cello and ghostwriting work, and missing my beautiful Buster Brown (now residing with the morning stars in Giant African Landsnail heaven), what is mainly wrong (and raising testiness quotient) is composed of Brazilian Cocoa, Moroccan Leaf Tea, naringin and ginger extracts, Ginko Biloba and odorless garlic best before etc etc.

This disaster-zone, marketed as all-natural actislim ultra at a cool fifty pounds a month's supply, is supposed to activate your metabolism to burn more calories. Combined with some zestful tennis matches and a calorie-controlled diet, it is supposed to slim you down. What it actually does is speed you up, so that you go boing boing boing around the house like a pogo-stick champion on speed, but (and this is the clever part) doesn't make you lose you more than two whole pounds of weight!!! So you get to feel very zippy and gung-ho (and irritable and 'testy') without it actually doing you any good at all!!!!!!

Even your tolerance level for best friends goes down to about, well, zip, actually.

This is why I came off it (in a huff) some days ago and am still waiting to return to my normal, serene and consoling but permanently slightly overweight (on a good day, voluptuous) self.
So far no luck.

XXXAlice