Dear readers,

Alice has been too prostrated with grief over the untimely death of Buster Brown, her original Giant African Landsnail, to write a column this week.

However, with reference to whoever's recent joke about maths and music, we are offering a prize for the funniest addition to this canon:

1. Robert has been third bassoon for four years. During that time he has had ninety concerts off, and 70 where he has played fewer than 45 notes. At his current rate of progress, how long will it be before Robert:
   1. dies of boredom
   2. becomes an accountant
   or
   3. makes it to second bassoon?
   
   
2. Esmerelda has (so far) slept with seven members of her full-time orchestra. At her current rate of 'progress' how long will it be before Esmerelda has slept with every male not overtly gay?
   
   
3. Joy is a very good oboe player, but, after 19 trials, has yet to land a principal job. What are the odds that:
   1. she will get lucky
   2. she will retire in a huff
   or
   3. she will poison her current principal?
   
   
4. Fred, a violist, is getting on. So far he has fallen asleep in 5 symphonies and 4 concertos. What are the odds that:
   1. his principal will notice
   2. his desk-partner will notice
   or
   3. any given conductor will notice?
   
   

The prize? A signed/unsigned copy (you choose) of :