Dear Alice,

I wondered if anyone had sent you this about the spoof condition 'cellist's scrotum'?


Phil McKerracher

Hi Phil,

Nobody before you -- but I'm really glad you did!!!! -- It is hilarious.

Yours, currently suffering from tennis elbow, housewife's knee, cellist's boobies, M25 backache, cello teacher's neurosis, and musician's ego,
Alice

I have recently been attempting to set up a phone line for my father in a nursing home.

This is roughly how it went:

'Welcome to XX.

Please select from the following:
Press one if you have blue eyes.
Press two if you have brown eyes
Press three if you have a grandparent or great-aunt with brown eyes, but yours happen to be hazel

Thank you.

Now, please select from the following:

Press one if you are setting up this new phone for you.
Press two if you are setting up this new phone for you.
Press three if you are setting this phone up for your third cousin, twice removed, on your father's side

Thank you.

Now, please select from the following:

You have exactly how many minutes to waste here?

Press one for five minutes.
Press two for 15 minutes.
Press three for 'Hey, I can't believe they're still pressing these numbers! Haw haw; get me a tea, will you, Lyn!'

Thank you.

Now, please select from the following:

Press one if you are setting this new phone up for you.
Press two if you are setting this new phone up for you.
Press three if you are setting this phone up for your third cousin, twice removed, on your father's side

(Note: you've done this bit, Editor.
Believe me, mate, I thought I'd done it at the frigging time, Alice)

Thank you.

Now, please select from the following:

Press one if you have given up all hope of ever hearing a human voice.
Press two if you have given up all hope end of story.
Press three if you are ready to smash up your phone.

Thank you.

We have the following offers for those who have smashed up their phones.

Press one for a tasteful black cordless effort.
Press two for a tasteless big green retro one
Press three if you've vowed never to phone anyone ever again.

Thank you and remember: we're grateful for your business. Pip-pip.'