Herewith a fascinating correspondence between Alice and J A Singh, of Delhi, her new best friend and customer rep of a major computer firm.

Dear Mrs McVeigh
We are grieved and shocked here at --- computers, to hear that your shift-key only operates 40% of the time, and that your 'S' key even less often.

Here we are most devastated. Please accept our abject apologies. A new and matching keypad to your new laptop will be with you in the next two working days. We would be delighted if you or some member of your corporation could sign for this between 09:30am and 05:30pm.

Yours respectfully,
J A Singh

Dear J A Singh,
Many thanks for yours, but do I understand you correctly to infer that you expect someone to hang around all day for two solid days, in the vague hope of signing for a replacement keyboard?
Alice

Dear Mrs McVeigh
Indeed yes and we would be most grateful for your kind cooperation. (Please note: you need not be on the premises personally. Simply notify your staff that the part may arrive.)
Yours respectfully,
J A Singh

Dear J A,
Many thanks, and I certainly realize it's not your fault, but I am a freelance writer living at home on my own (that is, my husband is never in between nine and six, as he is a deputy vice-chancellor of an important university) though with a daughter and several dogs who like to buzz out sometimes!!!

In other words, jolly as it may be for those of your clients who work in offices, that they have secretaries etc who can take in parcels for them, those of us who work from home are -- er -- rather stuck. So far I've waited in for five hours, and have every prospect of waiting in another three hours today and another eight and a half hours tomorrow!!! Frankly, I have better things to do with my life (as I'm sure you do too!!!!)

In short, I don't think it should be beyond --- corporation to tell us at least which day our replacement computer part might arrive.
Yours etc
Alice

Dear Mrs McVeigh
Many thanks for the honour of your note.

I have contacted the warehouse and grieve to inform you that your delivery will not be until tomorrow.
Yours sorrowfully,
J A Singh

Dear J A Singh-i-baby,
You are my hero!!! I will now buzz off and do all those boring things I need to do today, without fear of missing your cohorts avec computer part.
Your are a star and I would have your babies, except that I'm already married and it's frankly a bit lateish on that front.
Yours etc
Alice