I recently received an email from a young girl divided between her best friend and her boyfriend. As is usual when I get these (nothing-to-do-with-music) kinds of letters, I wrote back personally to the girl with my advice. And then I thought: what a waste!!!!!!!!! All that hard-won life experience and only Jodey (not her real name) gets to read it!!!!!! And, as I'm feeling particularly agonized myself (long story), I'm just sloshing to the brim with human compassion this week, as will be seen.

So then, in common with agony aunts immemorial, I thought: okey dokey, I'll make some up.

Dear Alice,
I am very sad because my frog ('Froggy') has died. I know you are a goldfish expert, but what do you do when they die?
Gracey

Dear Gracey,
So sorry to hear that Froggy has croaked (ha ha, little joke there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Now, what was the question? Ah yes. Well, a lot of beings get pretty drippy about their goldfish but basically, when I see that one has gone to that great goldfish bowl in the sky, I go: 'All flesh is grass', and give it next-door's cat.

In this way I bring a little pleasure into someone's life.
Cordially,
Alice
PS I'm sure your local pet python would be very grateful for Froggy.

Dear Alice,
I am going out with a great guy but feel strangely attracted to my best friend ['a female trumpeter. Ed'] Am I gay?
Help!
'Jodey'

Dear Melissa,
Normally when I get a letter of this type I would write some rubbish about most of us getting teensy weensy crushes on girls in our teenage years. I would also write something about being sure that your boyfriend (by definition, almost as dim at noticing things like this as a man) would never imagine it -- so not to worry on his front -- and that, after all, if you're gay (which lots of people are) or bisexual, that's anyway absolutely fine so what's the big deal, anyway?

However, as I am in a curious mood, as described, and thus awash with the milk of human kindness, I'm going to tell it to you straight:

GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ??????????????????????? Omygod, omygod, omy -- like -- god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, yuck, that is so -- like -- WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You CATCH things, right -- and die young -- and -- like -- go BLIND!!!!!! -- And when Josh finds out, he's like going to KILL YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like so yeuck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therefore I sincerely hope you find this helpful, and do feel free to get back to me if there's anything more I can do.
Alice

Dear Alice,
I feel extremely upset because my lover (a conductor) has dumped me for a soprano.
What do you advise, other than suicide?
Anon

Dear Anon,

Definitely not suicide !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, no, no, no, NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, if you're really bent on suicide (and, let's face it, the world is overpopulated already) I guess anyone dumb enough to fall for a conductor won't be much missed, certainly not by the conductor, ha ha, little joke there.

What about taking up a new and interesting hobby? You could -- to take an example at random -- keep frogs? Many people enjoy this, especially French people (for obvious reasons).

Alternatively, of course, you could always shoot the bastard.

Good luck and do keep in touch (from prison, of course -- unless you jump off the bridge).
Yours helpfully,
Alice