Dear Alice,
I understand from a mutual friend that you were in A&E this week. What happened?
Yours,
B D

Dear B,

Yes, I was, which is why I'm so late with this column (not that I've had ten zillion letters this week either, hint hint!!!!)

What happened was this:

I woke up on Monday not feeling too hot but there are a lot of germs going around. I was vaguely thinking about coffee when ZING!!!!!!! I started having pains in my chest. Now I've had these before (especially after getting beaten in tennis, never happens when I win, does it, so it must be psychological) so I just went and got the coffee when ZING!!!!! It felt as if someone had shoved a knife from lungs to back.

So I took 45 painkillers and 97 anti-acids and ZING!!!!!

There it was again, worse than ever. This carried on, getting gradually more painful, for over half an hour, so I told Simon to drive me to the hospital (I'd normally ask, but I was actually beginning to get faintly worried).

Not that Simon was, no sirree: I heard him telling Rachel, 'Now don't forget to take your homework to school', so I got a bit crosser and told him to get in the *#&&%*$£ car and put his foot down. Which he did, at least, until we got in the traffic jam. The pain was worse by then, and I could tell he was beginning to regret wasting time on her homework by the way he said, 'I wonder if I locked the door?' (No, I'm just kidding. He actually just said, 'I could murder a coffee'.)

However, they were most gratifyingly worried at A&E, when I'd barely got inside when I had funny little metallic stickers shoved on me (not just on my heart but on most unlikely places, including -- get this -- the inside of my ankles) and a heart monitor making cute little green wiggles on a screen. After a bit, and with evident disappointment (these A&E doctors simply LIVE for excitement) they admitted that my heart was fine. Later, after about nine chest X-rays and a pint of blood removed, they decreed that it was an ulcer and sent me off with a warm handshake. The whole thing had wasted over five hours, and I must admit that Simon redeemed self and stayed with me, which was very decent of him, and even got me some water when they wouldn't let me walk (which was crazy, but I guess it's all regulations these days).

So all's well that end's well, and when people sympathize over the ulcer I just remember the look of disappointment on the handsome young doctor's face and recall that we weren't put on this earth for pleasure alone, but at least I hadn't had a heart attack. (He probably hadn't had a decent heart attack in WEEKS.)

Yours in convalescence,
Alice

Dear Alice,

I am the cat next door and I am STARVING why haven't you FED ME you DOG OWNERS are all alike Yes, of course, Lindsey, you smirk, of COURSE I'll feed the cat and then you FORGET the poor moggie left in your care I've had NOTHING for six hours so I'm OFF TO HUNT MICE and will leave one on the CARPET for you to trip over TOMORROW and I hope you BREAK YOUR NECK

Topaz

Dear Topaz,
Oops.
Alice