Alice, I have never had any vocal training, but I love to sing. I keep on forcing my voice until I hit the note I want. Of course, it may not sound great but hitting those high notes makes me feel good. However, recently those high notes aren't working.

Do you think that I have damaged my vocal cords?

I have another problem, I cannot drink water ... I don't like the taste. Is there any alternative to keep my vocal cords moist?

I love classical singing, and I am afraid I have harmed my voice permanently ...

Thanks
Gilbert, CA

Dear Gilbert,

I've never heard that it's possible to wreck the vocal cords permanently (though it certainly is, short-term, as I think I've done it, singing through a bad cold!!!!!!)

I really don't think you've done this.

I have two pieces of advice:

1. Rest your voice and don't even TRY to sing for two weeks, maybe three
2. Then get hold of a REAL opera teacher, who can have a listen and give you some good advice about how to get to the high notes without straining the voice

Believe me, you have no idea how much more pleasure you'll get out of your voice once you're using it properly. After I'd had two lessons, my range had expanded from around five notes to an octave and a half, and the quality improved ten times, or basically from pretty lousy to not-too-bad-at-all.

Voices naturally deteriorate with age (which is why sane opera stars retire before their audiences wish they would) so:

DON'T DELAY: PHONE THAT TEACHER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!

With regard to the water (I assume you've tried bottled still water and still don't like it) I'm v sorry and all that, but it IS the best lubricant for the vocal cords. If you really hate it, put a little orange-juice in it (or cranberry or similar). I still remember how upset I was when my teacher condemned both coffee and alcohol in singing terms ... especially red wine (my favorite ...)

Cordially,
Alice

From anonymous of Chicago, this comment on my last (rude!!!!!!!) column about the French:

At a French airport ... A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

'Impossible!' barked the officer. 'Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France.'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

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NUUK, GREENLAND
22 SEPTEMBER 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

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Agony Aunt International
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Associated Bored Muzicians
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ESO (2006, not-quite-deceased) Ltd
The European Union
Farnborough Tennis Club
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Landsnails Reunited
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The Republic of Mauritius
Sick (often Dead) Goldfish Society International
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ENDS