hello, do you know the name of the theme tune for the Rolex ad in this year's Wimbledon Tennis? Quite a fast tune.
Eric Martin

Dear Eric,

No -- haven't noticed it, not that Wimbledon's started yet, of course -- however, some fellow classical music/tennis-loving person might, so I'm publishing it.

Cordially,
Alice

Dear Alice,

How are you doing? This morning I was browsing the internet I came across your gorgeous picture. Your amazing smile and awesome eyes were just a real treat. Thanks for making my day.

I am a Londoner working as Internet Marketing Specialist. I am just wondering would you be my friend. it would be nice to hear from you. I hope this email doesn't sound stupid. It is a genuine email to a heavenly lady.

Cheers ... have a nice day

Sekhar

Dear Sekhar,
(I considered writing, 'Dear Mum,' but no one who knows my mother would be taken in for an instant!!)

No, but seriously, thank you for your very kind letter. It's always pleasing for a woman over forty to be told such nice things (or even under forty!!!!) and I feel sure you will go far with many very lucky ladies, though unfortunately not with me, as I am probably way too old for you, and happily married besides.

Just a couple of questions, however.

1. Are you sure it's my amazing and heavenly smile -- or is it really my gorgeously varnished Hungarian cello? You'd be amazed how many models choose the cello as a prop, because of its voluptuous shape and truly heavenly curves. In other words, would you have been so struck had I had my publicity photo taken with some scrawny flute? (I am constantly ticking off my local photo shop for selling an album with a stunning redhead on its cover holding a cello with a bow arm so appalling that it would make angels weep.)
2. Are you not guilty of judging too much on appearances? Given that I might be your type (blonde, blue-eyed, forty-something, on the fleshy side) how do you know -- just from a photo -- that I'm not a horrible, needling, difficult, small-minded, mean or even murderous person? Never judge solely on appearances, is my advice!!!!!!!!!

(But thanks for the vote of confidence all the same)
Yours,
Alice

Dear Alice,

I have a tennis problem and when I googled tennis your name came up. I play in a local club where we have tournaments several times a year. I never win but I don't do so badly either and once I was in the singles quarter-finals. Anyway, they started a doubles tournament too and I got paired with an older lady (not a bad player but not as good as she thinks she is) who started giving me 'advice' -- including telling me that I was standing too close to the net ('Only really good players can get away with standing so close to the net for the volley!')

I didn't throttle her, but I really wanted to. What should I have done?
anon.

Dear anon tennis player,

You should have done exactly what you did do -- nothing. People like your ex-partner are beneath contempt. Smile sweetly and, the next time your revolting partner bombs a would-be smash in the net, make sure you say, 'Oh, well tried!!!!!!!'

Cordially,
Alice