Dear Alice,

I am a vegetarian (favouring lentils and other pulses over most other foods, frankly). Now my difficulty is that, when I am playing in certain orchestras and West End shows, I am jeered at for this preference. The others seem to prefer to wolf down foul cheese sandwiches in the pub -- or else demolish revoltingly meaty pizzas. How can I deal with this? Sometimes I think I should have gone period-instrument in the first place!

(name not supplied)

Dear veggie-burger,

How dare you mention lentils -- let alone cheese sandwiches, however foul, and not to MENTION meaty pizzas (groan!!!!!!) in front of someone undergoing a self-imposed (which makes it worse) diet of rabbit food combined with the heady delights (not!!!) of organic yoghurts????? You're dead right in saying that you should have played baroque instruments. I'll bet you put wheatgerm in your wheat-free pancakes. I'll bet you put dietary supplements (on a rota basis) on your Green Tea. I'll bet you even ...

Dear reader,

We interrupt this (frankly unbalanced) reply to bring you the politically-correct response from this week's substitute for Alice (who is still clearly light-headed from her dieting), baroque flautist, Annie Divine.

Dear vegetarian-option-preferrer,

First, let me sympathize with you. It must be very difficult for you to explain to your body-demolishing colleagues that what you are doing is LIFE-AFFIRMING, SELF-REITERATING, and loads of other pretentious things that I can't immediately think of at the moment. But you must remember that you are On the Cutting Edge of where food is at right now, whereas they are wallowing in the self-negating Past. Further, I suspect that the people you are having to work with Have Never Been Exposed to the True Joys of Pulses.

Here is where I feel you have your Great Chance! Allow me to propose that you, without Loss of Time, make haste to supply your unawakened colleagues to a Sense of Their own Selves. Gloria Blakeney is sound on this (see www.gloriaveggiecity.co.uk). I'm sure that, were you to decorate their chairs in whatever orchestra or pit where you happened to be playing with her leaflets ('Save your small intestine!' by Gloria) that they would See the Light, and Reconsider their Evil Ways!

Yours, in the Eventual Triumph of Spiritualism
(and the lower intestine) over Material Things,
Annie Divine

Dear Alice,

I understand from yr website (www.alicemcveigh.com) that u edit books. Here is my buk wot I wd like 2 have edited:

'It wuz a dk and stormy night, when hour hero Norman (known 2 his freinds as storm) was warking on his o.n. when wot sd occur but that is dad, known as stormy weather to his freinds, a-peered to say, 'Wot r u doing, Norman, being out in whether such as wot this weather is?'

Ps: dear aliss, is this gd enuff to win the Book-her prize yet?
yrs with hop,
Norman

Dear Norman,
Oh Death, where is thy sting?
Alice

Dear Norman,

I would like to apologise profoundly for the response that Alice sent you. I'm afraid she has still not regained her normally sunny temperament since she started this 'rabbit food' diet on 29 Dec, since when she has lost 7 lbs (or 150 pounds, counting Google Adwords). Let me say that I, personally, feel that you have a wonderful feel for words and are, in short, a true stylist with whom Alice would love to work once she regains her normal weight (or -- alternatively, and even preferably -- her sanity.)

Kind regards,
Keith
Publisher, Carrot Shavings Monthly