Alice san

What wonderful discovery -- your eight month questions and answers through Naxos featured link. No idea this column existed!

Some thing worries me ... was told rumor that you write all questions by self. For me really serious -- if true, mean I don't exist!

Please tell me truth very soon!

Worried of Tokyo

PS I play cello with white rabbit costume in Shinjuku

Dear Worried of Tokyo,

Oh God, what am I to do with these stiff-necked and disbelieving generation??????????? Who shall comfort me in my affliction??????????? How will anyone (except possibly Worried of Tokyo) ever read my column again??????????

Children, clap your tiny little hands together if you believe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tinkerbell needs you, or else she perishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poor little Tinkerbell will --------------- oh, sod it.

Of course I write some of the questions, when none of you can be bothered to be agonised. Others I get from my crafty and imaginative editor Keithie baby. Am still waiting for the ultimate accolade (a made-up letter from editor-in-chief Basil, the lazy swine).

(Unless of course this is it ...)

Cordially,
Alice

[Note from Basil to Keith: Watch it!]

[Note from Keith to Alice: Watch it!]

Dear Alice

I have a mother-in-law problem. Mine is a well-known musician, and she cannot let go of her son's career! Her own is still going strong, so it makes no sense, but she's on the phone daily making sure he's called X, or asked Y about work, or something similar. As I'm not a musician (my family was normal) she treats me like a child with water on the brain where his work is concerned, and is obviously concerned that I'm not running around in circles about it the way she always did (still does!) Any ideas welcome to save the situation.

Yours,
name and address withheld

Dear name withheld,

What you want here is a demilitarised zone, but with snipers on neighbouring rooftops.

Firstly, you want to take your husband to one side and talk to him like a Dutch uncle (Why Dutch? Why uncle? Why not a Scandanavian grannie? Never mind.) If he can't see that his mum is out of order on this, then you need to take hostages (children and pets are good), until he realises the truth. She will never listen to you, but it sounds as if there's a better than even chance she might listen to him.

He needs to tell her, 'I appreciate your concern for my career, but a simple letter, once a week, with bullet points, would make an excellent addition to our local council's recycling objectives, sorry I mean remind me of all that stuff that you feel I should be doing. Do not, on pain of excommunication from my solo recitals forever, ring up the wife of my b and make her feel like a spare part because she personally has better things to do (empty the rubbish, run her office) than ring up agents, fixers, etc on my behalf.'

If she persists after this plea, of course, then you'll have to stop being Mrs Nice Guy and get with the razor-wire, Christmas dinner, abstentions and other weapons of mass destruction ...

Cordially,
Alice

PS Nice one, Keithie baby