Dear Alice,

I was at a Prom concert the other day when I spotted someone I knew from music college twenty years ago in the balcony above (during the interval). He seemed to be lost in thought and I wasn't sure what the etiquette was. How loud is a person allowed to shout in order to attract the attention of someone in the interval of a concert, whether at a Prom or elsewhere? Or should it not be done at all?

Puzzled in East London

Dear puzzled,

This is a query of such complexity that I almost gave it a miss, the ramifications are of such mind-boggling complexity. Here are just a few which immediately occurred:

1. Might your ex-friend have in fact already spotted you and feigned absent-mindedness in order to avoid renewing a difficult relationship? (Don't underrate this possibility, especially if a brass player!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
2. Was your ex-friend so dreamy he might not even recall you at all? (I was once intensely embarrassed by a friend of mine at thirteen's contacting me and expecting me to remember all about her and about some guy she was 'going steady with' (this before the current days of going unsteady with) etc.
3. How far into the tier above was your ex-friend sitting (crucial with regard to decibel level) and is there even a remote chance, after so many years had passed under the bridge, that you were mistaken in your identification? I mean, twenty years is a not inconsiderable time, in or out of politics. I think it perfectly possible that your ex-friend, instead of dozing off at the top of the Royal Albert Hall, is at this moment in the process of studying Buddism under a Llama (do I mean a llama?) in Tibet, under cover of a full Osama-bin-liner-sized beard.
4. Doesn't anything bloody well go at a concert series where some small portion of the audience (that portion who really ought to get out a bit less) actually practise bawling at the remainder just before the leader hoves into view?

Still, I suppose the question, though possibly better suited to an etiquette columnist, is fair enough. Is one allowed, you wish to know, to use a loudhailer or public address system ('Will the owner of a medium-sized bald head, faded white shirt and potential -- or even successless -- beard please contact the box office immediately?'), to use all methods, whether fair means or foul, to track down an ex-friend from music college which one believes one has spotted (one is beginning to sound like one's queen at this point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

My answer is, 'yes, I suppose so', but please bear in mind:

1. How silly one looks jumping up and down saying, 'Hey!' 'Hi!' or 'Oy!' (well, what word would you use????) while waving wildly and causing hapless pedestrians and traffic to worry whether you might fall out of your box and crush the life out of them.
2. Whether or not you're looking as good as you did twenty years ago (refers to opposite sexes only).
3. How good the concert is and whether it's been exciting enough to put everybody in a receptive mood and, most crucially of all:
4. The quality of your speaking voice, as judged not by one's mum or latest lover but by a more-than-averagely-critical sibling ('Sounds like raw glass being dragged over a cement walkway,' etc).

I don't suppose there are many worse things than being dragged down for the heights of Brahms by someone you'd swear you'd never set eyes on before screeching, 'Sam! Sam! Sam! It's me, Julia! Ju-li-a! Yes, Julia! Ju-li-a!!!!!!!!!' especially if the Julia concerned could have made a passable living calling in the cattle from the sands of dee, as the immortal P G Wodehouse once put it.

Now this question was so exhausting I feel I need to lie down with an ice-pack.

Cordially
Alice